Droppin An N Cause It's Louder Than A Bomb
by Swamp Thing
Summary: Ever wonder why The Ratcatcher and that dude with the fast dog have similar names? Well, you should wonder that. It's very important. and then you should read this because it'll clear it up for you.


Droppin' An N, Cause It's Louder Than A Bomb

By Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards

FADE IN

EXT. The Block Of Stores: Quick Stop Groceries/RST Video-Night

Things seem peaceful…at first. People are going in and out, leaving the video store with some hardcore porn or a copy of _Happy Scrappy Hero Pup_, or else are leaving the convenience store with a fresh cup of stale coffee or a new pack of smokes. All the while, JAY and SILENT BOB are trying to sell weed to dudes or trying to get chicks to bang them. As one particularly fetching young lady walks by…

JAY

Yo, slut! I'm a freak unleashed! A dog without warning! An appetite for sex! Cause me so horny! Neh. What the fuck gives, Silent Bob? Bitches don't put out for the nasty shit any more.

As another girl walks by…

JAY

Maybe they go for the street knowledge. I'm a motherfucker that's built to last, if you fuck with me, I'll put a foot in your ass! Snoogans! I'll put my cock in your pink and your lady brown, baby! I'm all about the brown!

Above the Block Of Stores, a strange storm begins to brew. Think the "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K" scene in _Bill and Ted_. From a giant blast of light appears ETRIGAN THE DEMON.

JAY

I think that shit just kicked in, Silent Bob.

ETRIGAN

To avoid if you will a great disaster, show me, sirs, to your lord and master.

JAY

Yo, you yellow motherfucker, my only lord and master is these NUTS, dingle berry!

Silent Bob taps Jay on the shoulder and points to the Quick Stop door.

JAY

Oh, yeah. You probably wanna talk to Dante. Real morose motherfucker, works inside. Acts like someone shit in his cereal all the fucking time.

ETRIGAN

Thank you, sir, you've been quite cordial to I, your beloved damned immortal.

Etrigan walks into the store.

JAY

Yo, Silent Bob, what the fuck is that motherfucker, fucking _Leprechaun In The Hood _or some shit?

INT. Quick Stop

Dante is at the counter, bored, reading a paper, as Etrigan bursts in.

ETRIGAN

Are you Dante?

DANTE

Yeah?

ETRIGAN

Quite the irony, wouldn't you know, to battle the writer of _The Inferno_.

DANTE

Oh, um, no, I'm not the poet Dante…

RANDAL comes bursting in.

RANDAL

Hey, Dante, did you see that- what the fuck is that thing???

ETRIGAN

I am the demon Etrigan!

RANDAL

Okay, look, you goofy Slipknot-looking motherfucker, Lalapalooza isn't for a couple of months, I'm pretty goddamned sure we ain't selling tickets.

ETRIGAN

Do you mock me sir?

RANDAL

Look, fuck this!

Randal picks up a mop and breaks it in half.

RANDAL

You wanna fuck with the kid, you Lisa Simpson-looking motherfucker? Come get some!

Etrigan shoots fire out of his finger, burning the 99 cent rack.

RANDAL

Oh, fuck that! Listen, asshole, I could be balls deep in the stink hole of some barely legal skank right now, listening to her beg me to let her lick the shit off my giant porch monkey cock-yeah, I know what the fuck it means, no one can hear me. I don't need some goofy son of bitch out of _The Frighteners_, which was the last decent flick Peter Jackson made, by the way, to come in here and fuck up my day!

DANTE

Randal, I don't think you wanna piss this guy off!

Suddenly, AZRAEL enters.

AZRAEL

I think I can take it from here, gents. Thank you for your assistance, Etrigan. You may return to the Eternal Pit now.

Etrigan disappears in a cloud of smoke.

RANDAL

Now who the fuck is this guy?

AZRAEL

I'm a fucking demon!

RANDAL

You're a demon, that guy was a demon! What is this? Am I living in a Gorillaz album here? AZRAEL

Cute. Another pop culture reference. But now is not the time for your adorable shenanigans, video story jockey, for the Day Of Reckoning is at hand.

DANTE

What are you talking about? Seriously, who are you?

AZRAEL

I am Azrael. And I'm here to warn you that worlds are colliding. No, not like the fucking _Seinfeld _episode. I know this because I am the one who walks in both worlds. In one, I was the twin of the muse Serendipity. That's your world. Elsewhere, I was once the Dark Knight. I came to you in this form as I felt it would be more comforting to you. Yes, Randal, this is some _Contact _type shit.

RANDAL

Come to think of it, you do look a lot like my cousin Brodie.

DANTE

Wait, I don't get it. Worlds are colliding? What the fuck does that mean?

AZRAEL

Do you gents happen to know a fellow by the name of Walter Flanagan?

RANDAL

Yeah, he and Steve-Dave run the comic book shop across town.

DANTE

Didn't they get their window broken?

RANDAL

Yeah, by those two really badass comic artists.

AZRAEL

Yes. That's the chap. What you may not know is, he comes from my world. He was the brother of Otis Flannagan, a villain known as the Ratcatcher. Walt decided he'd had enough of living in a world of superheroes and villains, so he dropped an N from his name and moved into your world to sell comic books instead.

DANTE

How could he do that?

AZRAEL

Don't you read the funny papers, you van dyke-having silly son of a bitch? We can travel across worlds at will. However, Otis is pissed off now and has entered your world, and I'm afraid that will open the floodgate for all the evil members of my world. That's why I sent Etrigan, to try to send the message that shit is pretty fucking serious.

DANTE

Why here?

AZRAEL

It is my understanding that your world has superheroes of its own. And while they may be in a haze of pot smoke 24/7, they do come through on occasion.

As if on cue, SOLOMON GRUNDY comes bursting through the roof!

SOLOMON GRUNDY

Born on a Monday!

RANDAL

What the fuck is King Kong doing here?

JAY (OS)

Getting his asshole handed to him, cock licker! Snoochie bootchies!

With triumphant fanfare, BLUNTMAN and CHRONIC leap in through the hole that Solomon Grundy put in the roof.

SOLOMON GRUNDY

Grundy need back up!

BIZARRO flies in.

BIZARRO

Good-bye!

CHRONIC

Goodbye is right. Hanta la vista, you crack rock-looking motherfucker!

AZRAEL

That's actually how he says hello.

Solomon Grundy and Bizarro each grab and end of Chronic and pull him apart.

DANTE

Oh, my god! They killed Chronic!

RANDAL

You bastards!

BLUNTMAN

Fuck! There were a lot of awesome sidekicks in the world. But they don't light the bong for you. Most of them just cheat on you.

Bluntman exits, brokenhearted.

AZRAEL

This isn't over!

Superman comes flying in and knocks Solomon Grundy and Bizarro into the back wall with his heat vision, knocking over a Milk Maid and a school guidance counselor.

RANDAL

Are you fucking Superman?

SUPERMAN

No, Lois Lane is fucking Superman. I am Superman.

DANTE

Holy shit.

SUPERMAN

Azrael. Have you warned the mortals of the other realm of the coming threats?

AZRAEL

I think your buddies did a pretty fair job of that just now.

EXT. Leonardo Streets-Night

Bluntman wanders, sad, looking at the ground. Soon, RED ROBIN approaches on a motorcycle.

RED ROBIN

Are you…Bluntman?

Bluntman nods.

RED ROBIN

Pleased to meet you. My name is Tim Drake. I was once known as Robin. Then, after the death of the Batman, I became known as Red Robin. But I can't wander the earth forever like Kane in _Kung Fu_. Let me align with you. Let me become…Red Chronic.

Bluntman smiles.

EXT. Quick Stop-Day

Tim Drake is now dressed in a ski cap, metal band t-shirt and torn genes. Silent Bob is back to normal. WONDER WOMAN approaches.

TIM DRAKE

Hey, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

Wonder Woman picks Tim Drake up and slams him against a wall.

WONDER WOMAN

Listen, you little prick, I take a lot of shit being a woman in this business…

TIM DRAKE

Whoa, Diana, calm down, it's me!

WONDER WOMAN

Tim? What the hell are you doing here? Dressed like that?

TIM DRAKE

I'm…lost, Diana. I needed someone to team up with now that Bruce is gone.

Wonder Woman looks to Silent Bob.

WONDER WOMAN

Is this…Bluntman?

SILENT BOB

Word.

TIM DRAKE

And I'm taking on the role of Red Chronic

CHARLES BARKLEY

And I'm Charles Barkley!

TIM DRAKE

This is my first day and even I know you need to get the fuck on out of here!

SILENT BOB

You be careful, he's gonna try and do a Science Says segment if you don't watch out.

CHARLES BARKLEY

That's cold, Silent Bob.

Charles Barkley walks off.

WONDER WOMAN

Tim, we are unfamiliar with this world. It has its own set of threats.

TIM DRAKE

Far as I can tell, the only threats around here are guys trying to get in girls' pants.

Rick Derris approaches.

RICK DERRIS

Hey, baby. I'm digging the Wonder Woman get up.

WONDER WOMAN

Get up? I am Wonder Woman, jerk.

RICK DERRIS

Alright, alright, you can play a little crazy.

WONDER WOMAN

Who the hell are you?

RICK DERRIS

Name's Rick Derris. Great seducer of other guys' girlfriends. I also work as a personal trainer and own a line of buses.

WONDER WOMAN

Thrilling. Do you have any powers?

RICK DERRIS

I can make a bitch cum with the flick of my tongue.

WONDER WOMAN

Thrilling. Hey, Black Canary?

BLACK CANARY approaches.

BLACK CANARY

Yeah?

WONDER WOMANYou wanna take care of this guy?

RICK DERRIS

Alright, three-way.

BLACK CANARY

Yeah, three-way. Your two balls and my one foot.

She round house kicks him in the crotch. He doubles over in pain.

EXT. Steve-Dave And Walt's Secret Stash-DAY

Walt Flanagan's Dog is tied up outside. Suddenly, the Ratcatcher appears!

RATCATCHER

So, you're my brother's new dog, eh? Man, you do look like a rat.

He undoes the ropes and picks up the dog. From inside, Walt notices the disturbance and runs outside.

WALT

Hey, what the hell? Oh my god. Otis?

RATCATCHER

Hello, brother.

WALT

I thought you were killed at the beginning of _Infinite Crisis_!

RATCATCHER

Silly Walt. Always believing what you read in the funny papers.

WALT

Hey, I used to live in the funny papers.

RATCATCHER

Details, details. You need to come home, brother.

WALT

Why?

RATCATCHER

Because if you don't, the door will stay open forever.

The Riddler approaches.

WALT

Oh my god, Nigma.

RIDDLER

Riddle me this, Walt Flanagan. Or should I call you Walt Flannagan? No matter. Riddle me this. In the middle of a four-way intersection is a crisp one hundred dollar bill. On one corner stands a man-friendly, no agenda, lesbian. On the opposite corner stands a man-hating, agenda of rage dyke. On the third is Santa Claus. On the fourth is the Easter Bunny. Who gets the hundred dollars?

WALT

The man-hating dyke?

RIDDLER

Correct. Why?

WALT

I don't know.

RIDDLER

Cause the other three are figments of your imagination!

Steve-Dave runs outside.

STEVE-DAVE

Hey, Costume Day isn't for another month!

WALT

Steve-Dave…this time I have something to tell you.

RATCATCHER

Man, that was an obscure reference, only really hardcore fans are gonna get that one!

STEVE-DAVE

What is it?

WALT

This isn't someone dressed as the Ratcatcher. Or the Riddler. These are the real deal. I…used to live in the DC Multiverse. I left to try to escape my past. But I know now you can't. We may be through with the past. But the past isn't through with us.

STEVE-DAVE

Did you just fucking quote _magnolia_?

RATCATCHER

Not the issue.

STEVE-DAVE

Oh, but I think it is. You can't follow a masterpiece like _Boogie Nights _with some whiny six hour sob story about completely unconvincing characters, then distract everyone with a rain of fucking frogs.

RIDDLER

Did you really think this was better, Walt? Leaving a land of magic? Of heroes and villains for a world of constant pop culture references?

WALT

I guess my whole life is a riddle. But…I'm ready to go home.

RATCATCHER

Are you sure?

WALT

Yes.

The Riddler turns to a small boy standing there. He is BILLY BATSON.

RATCATCHER

Billy. Take us home.

BILLY BATSON

SHAZAM!!!!

He becomes Captain Marvel and with that picks up the Ratcatcher, the Riddler, Walt Flannagan and the dog and flies away.

STEVE-DAVE

Fuck, now I need to hire more help.

THE END


End file.
